Today is the one year anniversary of the day my partner and I removed our beloved Sun from life support after he suffered irreparable brain and organ damage as a result of physician negligence and betrayal of the sacred trust between mother and birth support team. Not at all uncommon these days, I experienced horrible nightmares all last night.
I dreamed I was surrounded by hospital staff preparing to euthanize me. I trusted every word they told me regarding the seriousness of my "condition" and allowed preparations to continue. I believed them when they said that death was my best option.
Then, as I was being wheeled into the room where the lethal solution was to be administered, I suddenly realized how well I felt. I thought what a travesty it would be to transition there and then, alone in the sterility of a hospital room, when I could go home and enjoy even just one more sunset with my beloved partner.
I sat up from the gurney where I lay and turned to the hospital staff, demanding that the euthanasia consent papers I'd just signed be ripped up and discarded. The rest of the dream was hours and hours of arguing with medical staff and family members who wouldn't listen to what I was saying to them about my care plan and desire for life. I became more and more agitated and hostile towards those attempting to silence me.
Even as I lashed out and raged to be heard, I felt profoundly disempowered. I remember thinking to myself how parasitic energies were likely drawing nearer to me the louder I screamed, salivating in anticipation and rejoicing at my vulnerability in those moments of desperation.
I tend to recognize everything as a gift of one kind or another-- even the nightmares. In an effort to understand the offering packaged within, I can only surmise that this most recent night terror comes with both a message and warning-- It is in silent contemplation that our soul speaks loudest. We breach our own impenetrable defenses when we begin to doubt our resilience and the unbreakable nature of Spirit. However, when we remain steadfast in honoring our true essence, our power is impervious. Vampires relish at our forgetfulness, and feed on the fear that seeps from the cracks it creates.
